Lost

I have been lost for awhile now. You dont tend to realize you are lost till it is to late. 4 years ago my life changed. Brock had searched me out after 12 years of being apart. We started a long distance relationship very slowly and cautiously on both of our parts. Then a predicted and plan move to Texas to be closer to my mom and the new blooming relationship I had with Brock got moved up 6 months to January of 2010. The move was draining on everyone to say the least.
After  a year in Texas my legs started paying the price for the heat and high humidity there. So with family issues arising in Indiana, a failing relationship with family in Texas, and my legs becoming a HUGE issue a decision was made. The decision was another move across country, you can ONLY imagine my excitement about another cross country move.
We arrived back in Indiana June of 2011. We we started rebuilding a family and a relationship from the hardships of a failing family relationship in Texas. Slowly started seeing the old me and our old famly.
Reality of the issues with family in Indiana started to hit me pretty hard. My Dad was going through his 3rd divorce and started turning to alcohol. Being the only child, I felt and still do feel completely responsible for me parents. Since my dad started having a break down and turnign more away from family and more towards a bottle I though I should start relieving some of his stress and take care what I could.
I helped him get his will changed and the soon to be ex wifes name off of it. Power of Attourney's for both financial and medical so if anything happens to him I can help him.
I also took over the divorce only talking to him about it when there was a answer I could not give the lawyer. I have never been in a divorce so this was all new for me. A year later I was finally divorced from my Dad's wife, I say I was because I handled EVERYTHING for that divorce. Dad only had to show up for the lawyer appointments that I set up and took him to and did 90% of the questions and talking to the lawyer and go to the medication. Even then he seemed to have just given, rolled over and gave her what she wanted.
Then the reality of the divorce hit for my Dad. I dont think my Dad can handle failure in life and actually cope with it. The drink became worse to say the least. I started handling his monthly bills, setting up Dr. appointments, taking him to his Dr appointments, making sure he paid the Dr. bills, and cleaning every once in awhile around his house.
I started realizing how blessed I really am that Dad's siblings started helping me. One of my Aunts started taking him to her house to try to get him to at least eat, Eating is a huge issue for him.I would take him after he was sober and cleaned up and he would stay with me for awhile. Then he would decided a week or so later he wanted to go back home. WE would take him and this whole process would start all over again.We have done this back and forth between my Aunt, me and his house since January  of this year, 2012.
He now doesnt want to stay with anyone and drinks heavier now than ever before. He has lost his personality, his soul to alcohol. After many failed attempts we are now at a point of just maintaining him. I go over to his house anywhere from once to four times a week and take care of his bills, laundry, take him food, do his grocery shopping and I have started the process of organizing out his files so I know where everything is if something ever happens to him. My OCD and anxiety takes over more than anything in high stress times. They literally control my entire thought process and life. So getting everything done before my Dad passes will help me have time to just focus on grieving than having to deal with everything else. This way it will be all done.
Amongst all this craziness I still have 2 kids, a man, a dog, a cat, and a house to maintain. I have a daughter that is in honors class, choir, travel soccer, swim team, dance team, referees on the weekends, and we are starting the getting ready for college process (again preparing NOW so it is not last min. and I can focus on her leaving and not focus on everything else around her that needs done) A son who has a learning problem, plays football, is on a swim team and wants to try wrestling. A man who works full time, assistant coaches Austins football team, helps out at church, goes to school several nights a week, and is a reserve Fire fighter at the present (till a position open for him to get hired on full time. Which we are praying real hard for), seem to be the go to person for all our friends for mechanical repairs. A dog that is very needed, clingy, and well a 3rd child. A house that is in constant remodeling. PLUS...taking care of our bills, my Dr appointments, the kids Dr. appointments, our grocery shopping, our household chores, and making sure any and all request that Brock or the kids need done while they are at work and school and cant get it done are dealt with.
Amongst handling two households I have lost myself. I started counseling to try to get some this mentally taken care of, and mainly calm my OCD that drives my family crazy. After my first appointemnt he wanted me to figure out something I can do for me. Brock and I sat down and he started throwing ideas out, again I so blessed to have him in my life. He thre out things such as getting my hair done, nail (only one LOL) or toes (on my prosthetic) done, goign to the movies alone, going out for a drink with friends, or just going shopping. Well I am a girl yes but have never really been the type to go get my hair done. I go MAYBE once a year. As got nails and prosthetic toes, I have Lauren who likes to do them and I think does a better job for FREE. I have never been the type to go to a movie alone and I hate shopping for myself. We are trying to do the Dave Ramsey program so spending money unnecessary money is just not logical to me. So we talked some more and the idea of actually starting to go full force on the house and making it more of a sanctuary for me was the way to do this. I can do little projects throughout the week to add to my long list of crazy already. Yesterday I worked on a wall we are making a picture focal point. Just painting and having a set project actually made me feel good. I look at that wall and think "This was for ME." Not the kids, Brock, dog, or Dad. It was 100% for me! Brock took the time to help me do something for ME! The simple things to find yourself when you are lost amongst family, children, and the world are the best thing. This silly little wall that now has wall texture, coloring and will soon have crown molding, trim and our family pictures on it just gave me a little bit of me back. When I walk by this wall several times a day, even though it is not done, I light up and have just a little bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. Just amazes me how simple that was! I am not completely found yet, but I think Brock and I have found a path to help us find the complete me again!

Debt Free is just a dream!

We are vigorously staying on the Dave Ramsey program and are desperately paying off the house and any bills that come in right away. It is funny when I look back and see our debt and where we are now, how foolish we were to even allow ourselves to be put in that position! I look forward to a day when we have zero debt. As I look forward to that day reality always seems to be just on the other side of that dream. Even though we can pay our debts off completely the looming realization that we will never be debt free always hangs over me. For me to be able to walk I will have to put us in debt every 3 years like clock work. $60,000+ doesnt just grow on trees!
Yes the insurance helps but leaves any where from 20% or more. That is if they do not fight us on it OR I do something stupid and have to get anther leg and the insurance denies it because they loo at it that I JUST got a new leg. I wish there was a way for the insurance companies to realize that when you have no legs and the prosthetist sends them a bill, most likely it is NOT for kicks and giggles.
People on the outside of our amputee world have a vision that insurance helps us, and we have no worries other than our health. WRONG! Not only do we have to worry about our health, this is mainly from a disease amputation (diabetes, septicemia, cancer ect), but also our prostheses that gives us the mobility we need to get around,  every inch or our residual limb, and the insurance companies that are constantly fighting us even though we pay them. These are just dealing with issues of our actual amputee life. Now through in bills, family, kids, school, work, and sports. Our lives both physically and mentally tend to a lot more draining.
Explaining this to people that are looking through the glass at our life can shake their heads yes in understanding but honestly they dont have the slightest idea. I would like it to be easier for those of us going through so much. I would like to look at our debt free future and KNOW that is how it will stay. In reality my prosthetics will never let us truly be debt free!

Looking into the past when we should only look into the future!

Today was...interesting to say the least. I am in the process of SLOWLY organizing out my Dad's life. His health is failing, self induced yes but failing none the less, and I am starting to get things in order so that when the time comes I can focus on him or grieving not everything else. This is when my OCD and type A personality come in handy. I find myself looking back of 18 years of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was very young. Like most children I lived a very typical divorced childhood of parents arguing, child support court dates, traveling for visitation to a out of state Dad, and the lavish like me more then the other parent gifts. But diving into the actual letters back and forth,and court documents give you a different view of your parents. This is the ugly side of a parent that not all of us want to see. We look at our parents as God's guidance through life. We were given to them to teach us the correct way to live in both society and in life. When you see the ugly side of our parents you tend to second guess your views and opinions of them. This was NOT a good feeling for me. After years of fighting my own battles in life and finding my own way with a new body, this flash back of my entire life and what I thought it was is now gone. What really hit home was when I saw the file marked 1995. I dont know why. I even told myself  "Dont look you are not going to like what you find." Yet I still pushed forward. 1995 was when my entire life changed. April 1995 I contracted Meningococcal Meningitis. Death bed, child support and court documents are defiantly not things that go together. Ok, I guess I should say in my world they are not. In my parents world they are. 30 days after I was admitted into the hospital are documents dated for child support adjustments. REALLY??? This is the time for parents to argue and go to court over child support?????? I wasn't even out of ICU then. Yep this was defiantly a eye opener for me! I wish I could go back this morning and unseen everything I found and read today. God has to have a reason for today. An awakening maybe? I dont know. I do know that it was the past, and today is the present, and tomorrow is a future me and my family can cherish. I do know that my eyes can not unsee what my parents did and this will give me different perspective on them and their past.

Valor Swiftwick Socks

Today is my first day to wear my Valor Swiftwick Socks. The package of socks arrived on Sat and WOW John Mabry really packed in the goodies for me. Brock wore his socks that John sent him yesterday and is already asking for me to get more pairs LOL CHRISTMAS IDEA!!!!! Ok back to talking about Valor. So I put them on and they felt so soft and good against the twins. Then I put on my liner...this is wear things felt odd LOL I am so use to having that cold slick silicone pressed against my skin that I instantly went into this "Something is wrong with the twins" mentality. This mentality will go away with time I know. I popped on my sockets on and WOW things felt so warm and comfortable. Still have a little bit of the weird feeling but I know that will die down after awhile. Now to do a little InSanity and see exactly what these Valor socks of made of!