Lost

I have been lost for awhile now. You dont tend to realize you are lost till it is to late. 4 years ago my life changed. Brock had searched me out after 12 years of being apart. We started a long distance relationship very slowly and cautiously on both of our parts. Then a predicted and plan move to Texas to be closer to my mom and the new blooming relationship I had with Brock got moved up 6 months to January of 2010. The move was draining on everyone to say the least.
After  a year in Texas my legs started paying the price for the heat and high humidity there. So with family issues arising in Indiana, a failing relationship with family in Texas, and my legs becoming a HUGE issue a decision was made. The decision was another move across country, you can ONLY imagine my excitement about another cross country move.
We arrived back in Indiana June of 2011. We we started rebuilding a family and a relationship from the hardships of a failing family relationship in Texas. Slowly started seeing the old me and our old famly.
Reality of the issues with family in Indiana started to hit me pretty hard. My Dad was going through his 3rd divorce and started turning to alcohol. Being the only child, I felt and still do feel completely responsible for me parents. Since my dad started having a break down and turnign more away from family and more towards a bottle I though I should start relieving some of his stress and take care what I could.
I helped him get his will changed and the soon to be ex wifes name off of it. Power of Attourney's for both financial and medical so if anything happens to him I can help him.
I also took over the divorce only talking to him about it when there was a answer I could not give the lawyer. I have never been in a divorce so this was all new for me. A year later I was finally divorced from my Dad's wife, I say I was because I handled EVERYTHING for that divorce. Dad only had to show up for the lawyer appointments that I set up and took him to and did 90% of the questions and talking to the lawyer and go to the medication. Even then he seemed to have just given, rolled over and gave her what she wanted.
Then the reality of the divorce hit for my Dad. I dont think my Dad can handle failure in life and actually cope with it. The drink became worse to say the least. I started handling his monthly bills, setting up Dr. appointments, taking him to his Dr appointments, making sure he paid the Dr. bills, and cleaning every once in awhile around his house.
I started realizing how blessed I really am that Dad's siblings started helping me. One of my Aunts started taking him to her house to try to get him to at least eat, Eating is a huge issue for him.I would take him after he was sober and cleaned up and he would stay with me for awhile. Then he would decided a week or so later he wanted to go back home. WE would take him and this whole process would start all over again.We have done this back and forth between my Aunt, me and his house since January  of this year, 2012.
He now doesnt want to stay with anyone and drinks heavier now than ever before. He has lost his personality, his soul to alcohol. After many failed attempts we are now at a point of just maintaining him. I go over to his house anywhere from once to four times a week and take care of his bills, laundry, take him food, do his grocery shopping and I have started the process of organizing out his files so I know where everything is if something ever happens to him. My OCD and anxiety takes over more than anything in high stress times. They literally control my entire thought process and life. So getting everything done before my Dad passes will help me have time to just focus on grieving than having to deal with everything else. This way it will be all done.
Amongst all this craziness I still have 2 kids, a man, a dog, a cat, and a house to maintain. I have a daughter that is in honors class, choir, travel soccer, swim team, dance team, referees on the weekends, and we are starting the getting ready for college process (again preparing NOW so it is not last min. and I can focus on her leaving and not focus on everything else around her that needs done) A son who has a learning problem, plays football, is on a swim team and wants to try wrestling. A man who works full time, assistant coaches Austins football team, helps out at church, goes to school several nights a week, and is a reserve Fire fighter at the present (till a position open for him to get hired on full time. Which we are praying real hard for), seem to be the go to person for all our friends for mechanical repairs. A dog that is very needed, clingy, and well a 3rd child. A house that is in constant remodeling. PLUS...taking care of our bills, my Dr appointments, the kids Dr. appointments, our grocery shopping, our household chores, and making sure any and all request that Brock or the kids need done while they are at work and school and cant get it done are dealt with.
Amongst handling two households I have lost myself. I started counseling to try to get some this mentally taken care of, and mainly calm my OCD that drives my family crazy. After my first appointemnt he wanted me to figure out something I can do for me. Brock and I sat down and he started throwing ideas out, again I so blessed to have him in my life. He thre out things such as getting my hair done, nail (only one LOL) or toes (on my prosthetic) done, goign to the movies alone, going out for a drink with friends, or just going shopping. Well I am a girl yes but have never really been the type to go get my hair done. I go MAYBE once a year. As got nails and prosthetic toes, I have Lauren who likes to do them and I think does a better job for FREE. I have never been the type to go to a movie alone and I hate shopping for myself. We are trying to do the Dave Ramsey program so spending money unnecessary money is just not logical to me. So we talked some more and the idea of actually starting to go full force on the house and making it more of a sanctuary for me was the way to do this. I can do little projects throughout the week to add to my long list of crazy already. Yesterday I worked on a wall we are making a picture focal point. Just painting and having a set project actually made me feel good. I look at that wall and think "This was for ME." Not the kids, Brock, dog, or Dad. It was 100% for me! Brock took the time to help me do something for ME! The simple things to find yourself when you are lost amongst family, children, and the world are the best thing. This silly little wall that now has wall texture, coloring and will soon have crown molding, trim and our family pictures on it just gave me a little bit of me back. When I walk by this wall several times a day, even though it is not done, I light up and have just a little bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. Just amazes me how simple that was! I am not completely found yet, but I think Brock and I have found a path to help us find the complete me again!