Looking into the past when we should only look into the future!

Today was...interesting to say the least. I am in the process of SLOWLY organizing out my Dad's life. His health is failing, self induced yes but failing none the less, and I am starting to get things in order so that when the time comes I can focus on him or grieving not everything else. This is when my OCD and type A personality come in handy. I find myself looking back of 18 years of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was very young. Like most children I lived a very typical divorced childhood of parents arguing, child support court dates, traveling for visitation to a out of state Dad, and the lavish like me more then the other parent gifts. But diving into the actual letters back and forth,and court documents give you a different view of your parents. This is the ugly side of a parent that not all of us want to see. We look at our parents as God's guidance through life. We were given to them to teach us the correct way to live in both society and in life. When you see the ugly side of our parents you tend to second guess your views and opinions of them. This was NOT a good feeling for me. After years of fighting my own battles in life and finding my own way with a new body, this flash back of my entire life and what I thought it was is now gone. What really hit home was when I saw the file marked 1995. I dont know why. I even told myself  "Dont look you are not going to like what you find." Yet I still pushed forward. 1995 was when my entire life changed. April 1995 I contracted Meningococcal Meningitis. Death bed, child support and court documents are defiantly not things that go together. Ok, I guess I should say in my world they are not. In my parents world they are. 30 days after I was admitted into the hospital are documents dated for child support adjustments. REALLY??? This is the time for parents to argue and go to court over child support?????? I wasn't even out of ICU then. Yep this was defiantly a eye opener for me! I wish I could go back this morning and unseen everything I found and read today. God has to have a reason for today. An awakening maybe? I dont know. I do know that it was the past, and today is the present, and tomorrow is a future me and my family can cherish. I do know that my eyes can not unsee what my parents did and this will give me different perspective on them and their past.