In the Amp it up magazine this month, on pages 18-20, is a GREAT article about amputees connecting and how important it is. This article was written by my dear friend Neal! You will notice the pic of all of us in Cali surfing! I, of course, am the no legged one! lol
I agree with Neal completely. Connecting together via phone, email, chat, Facebook, twitter, events, cruises, or conferences is the most important part to keep our sanity as amputees! Knowing we are NOT alone is so important! I also think that listening to others stories, and telling our own is more therapeutic for amputees than ANY counseling will ever do!
Unless the counselor is a amputee, a counselor will NEVER understand, or be able to help a amputee completely wrap their minds around and come to terms with loosing a limb. An amputee has to re-starting their lives over, literally. They have to learn how to walk, run, write, move, and just get use to a new body all over again. Not only do they have to re-learn these things but they have to get use to people staring and glaring that we get from being "different," or as I like to say "UNIQUE and AWESOME!"
So where does a amputee get that urge, or motivation to move on, deal with, and cope with their new lives without a limb....through other amputees! There is NOTHING more therapeutic then knowing you are not alone, hearing others that have either been there and done that, are far off worse than you, AND telling your own story! Telling your own story wraps your mind around everything that has happened to you. Yes after awhile, like for me almost 18 years, telling your story can get OLD, but is and will always be beneficial telling it. Telling your story lets you, well honestly, rationalize what happened to your limb and WHY it is gone (regardless of the reason why it is gone!). This of course doesnt make it all better! I never said it would make things "all better." I just said it helps!
In my story, everything was a fight till the choice was no longer mine. Then a decision was made for me, the first time. The second time everything was my choice. I struggle and get mad at the loss of my left leg. I have my "why me" days and yes it is the left twin that gets the blunt of that anger. Why you ask...well it was taken from me without a choice! The right twin I never get mad at (unless she gets mad me first with blisters LOL), because I choose myself for her to go. It was MY choice, and no one else got a say in it! But all of this is made better when I hear from, see, talk to, chat, get a card/letter in the mail from, Facebook or twitter with a amp friend! I know I am not alone and well they have been there and had those days!
Even my friends that are parents of amputee children, make me feel better knowing that I am not only struggling as a parent in life, but they are struggling with a child that has a limb difference. I remember those days as a teen becoming a amputee, and realize things are a LOT easier now!
Just knowing I have a support system with not only my family, but a whole world of friends that have literally walked in my shoes makes everyday a lot easier. Having that line of communication for questions, a shoulder to lean on, or just that common struggle in day to day life as a amputee is so comforting. I encourage all amputees to turn to Facebook, twitter, amputee activities, or attend a conference to make these bonds with other amputees to have that connection. Once that bond is form with a amputee, make sure to keep in contact for not only yourself but also the other amputee!

Motherhood...not like it is on TV

TV paints this magical picture of motherhood. You are laughing with your perfect children. All smiles and lovingly joy when they are sick. FUN FUN FUN! THEY LIED! Yes there are those times of joy and enjoyment. Dont get me wrong I wouldn't trade my children for ANYTHING in the world! Let me give you the last 24 hours of life with a 14 yr old daughter and 9 year old son that I had last week.
We woke up Sunday to go to church. Had a wonderful service came home and ate lunch. Austin and I started working on his homework his teachers gave us since he was going to be absent due to having two teeth pulled on Monday. Then we left to go pick up our daughter from her ex-stepmother, she spent the night with her little sister there.
After picking up the hormonal bundle of joy, she gave us the silent treatment till we got home. Where her and Austin were told to do their chores so we could have family night. Brock and myself helped them with chores while dealing with dinner. Then the REAL fun kicked in. Lauren yelled, bossed, and snapped at Austin for the next 30 min about doing chores, how he was doing them, how he wasn't doing them, and I think at one point about how he was breathing. After letting them "work it out" themselves Brock intervened with groundings. This lead to Lauren not going to youth groups due to the fact she wasn't done with her chores. The tears started streaming, the attitude that was already on high alert got worse, the door slamming started, and then we get told "I am not a good Christian because I don't go to youth groups". This is when our reply comes back with as much attitude as we had been receiving. "WHATEVER!" It was a Code Red Teen Girl Meltdown (or also known as CRTGM)! After the storm calmed, they showered and we all sat down to play a game together. Then everyone was off to bed.

I didnt post the real pictures,
because honestly I already lived through it

1:30 A.M. I was awoken to the sound of a panicked child trying to yell "MMMMOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYY I PUKED!!!!" I have two different kind of pukers in this house. There is the calm and predicted puker. You know the type, "I have to puke....." then calmly walks to the toilet to vomit. Then there is the projectile vomiter that gives no warning, "I have to p....." YAKS EVERYWHERE! That scene from the Exorcist does zero justice to a projectile vomiter.
 I laid in bed praying that I really didnt hear one of my children say they had vomited, and also praying it was our son and not our daughter the projectile vomiter. Then the bellowing came again, "MMMMOOOOO (gagging, coughing and yakking)OOOMMMMMMYYYYYY I (gagging, coughing and yakking) AM PUKING!!!" followed by some more coughing and gagging. This is when Isat straight up and was wide awake putting my legs on as fast as I could to go assess the collateral damage. I open our bedroom door and BAM the smell hit me!  The worse is going through my mind. I am thinking that the bedding has to be cleaned, the floors are going to have to be cleaned, and the bathroom....oh the bathroom....I wondered if that could just be a loss and claim it on our homeowners insurance. I walked into her room and saw nothing, not even her. I yell "Where are you?", worried she had moved to another room in the house to make this reenactment of the Exorcist. She yells back "I am in here." Oh the bathroom is going to be a TOTAL loss!
As I leave her bedroom to go to her aid I assess everything. Nothing on her bed or bedroom floor. I turn and walk down the hallway...nothing. I open the bathroom door and see my sick little girl curled up with the toilet, hanging onto it as if was going to cure the vomiting she was dealing with. To my surprise, the bathroom had no vomit anywhere.
In my daughters 14 years of life this is the first time that I was not for hours afterwards cleaning everything from her projectile vomiting. I felt so relieved. We get her cleaned up and back in bed. She gets up and down for the next several hours, and alerted me every time. Which lead to me taking my legs on and off at least 20 times that night. We both finally get some sleep.
The next day came TO EARLY for me! I kept our daughter home from school, obviously, while I took our son for his fun teeth extraction. An hour before his appointment, I had to give him a prescription the dentist gave us of muscle relaxers. I had informed him that it would make him feel "FUNNY." Honestly how do you explain to a 9 year old how muscle relaxers make you feel?
WE arrive at the dentist and our son is starting to talk nonsense. The hygienist looks at me and makes a declaration "He is ready!" She then proceeds to inform me they were going to give him gas too to help relax him. Oh GREAT, gas, muscle relaxer, and a sick kid...this day is becoming a dream come true!  
30 minutes pass, and they return what was once our son but now a wet noodle. As I talk to the Dentist, he informs me that the baby teeth were deeper and had a lot longer roots than the x-ray had shown and that they also had to give him numbing shot in the gums of both teeth. WONDERFUL! My son now has a muscle relaxer, gas and numbing medicines in his system. This answer the question of why my son is a wet noodle now. They said the holes left by the teeth are quite a bit larger than usual and he is not allowed to drink from a straw for a week. I think they forgot he was 9 YEARS OLD! I take my wet noodle home, check in on my projectile vomiter, and start the mommy spoiling process.
They was spent running to and from the store to get medications, soft and light foods to make for dinner, and picking up school work. By the time my husband got home I was DONE!
So in all of this, where was the smiles, and light laughter? There wasn't any! Why because again Tv LIED!

Changes are frustrating

Brock was a fire fighter for 8 years in Texas, prior to our move back to Indiana. June 2011 we made the grand move across country back to Indiana for multiple reasons. With a savings account built up and a new start we were ready for this new adventure. This move has been great for our family and hard for our family.
As soon as we arrived Brock started the job search. He found a temporary job till he could get on at a fire department. Our local fire department opened up a position a month and half after we arrived. Brock jumped on the opportunity! Excited we started the LONG GRUELING application process. The application asked for transfer of all certification from other states to Indiana before the application was turned in. OK...easy enough. Indiana Homeland Security stopped that right away! Indiana Homeland Security will not take any other states emergency education. So eight years of Brock's life and his career were out the window. This was heartbreaking for both of us. More so him of course.  Brock and I talked and we had decided that he go for a reserve position and  he get all his certifications back in Indiana. A year later and he almost has them all back, with much appreciation from the city we live in that paid for it all.
As we wait for a position to open at our local department, Brock has been working a miserable job. This excitement came a couple weeks ago when a position opened in the city. The opportunity was for more pay, and was a hire directly with the city so that when he gets hired with the department it is a lateral transfer with a pay raise. This ends up being a lot easier on the city and us. Brock was choose 1 of 7 out of 40 applications. These odds were in our favor! We were getting so excited. This was a step in the direction we had been praying for since we moved a year and half ago.
He went tot he interview and thing went great. He said it felt very comfortable and they informed him that it was between him and a 19 year old kid. Our thoughts were  that if anyone had to choose between a 19 year old kid and someone that is already involved with the city and has a family and responcibilities the decision was simple.
Brock wait 3 days to call them. After a LOT of praying, being hopeful, and very excited he called them to find out if they had made a decision yet. I have sat all morning awaiting news from him on what he found out. When he called me he sounds disappointed. I asked him if they had made a decision yet. He informed me they told him that had hired someone. Our hearts broke again!
We just keep getting road blocks on our plans. We put our faith in God and know that we will be alright in the end and we are always taken care of. It is hard not to be frustrated in the end. Changes are good. God is always guiding us in a direction he wants us in. Sometimes the frustration takes over and just have to have faith that our goals will be reached!

Our personal "Renovation Realities" TV episode

Brock's parents will be here on Friday. Or as Brock says "the most judgmental woman on the face of the planet" will be here on Friday! Brock has lost his remodeling mind!
The projects he wants done are fairly simple overall. That is the FIRST problem. There is NO simple DIY renovation. That world does not exist.
The project list include: texturing the walls, painting the walls, and if there is enough time painting the cabinets. I laugh at the list, while the list mocks Brock.  We went to our local hardware store and purchased all the needed supplies and rented the texturing machine to make the process "simpler" than texturing by hand. It took Brock most of the night just getting the prep work done of covering everything that will not get textured.
Then "THE MACHINE" comes into play... Poor Brock! The guy at the hardware store helped him get the right joint compound to be able to feed it through the texture machine. Since Brock nor myself have ever used this machine and it was the hardware stores you would think they would know what product to use. Second problem, we assumed that the guy at the hardware store knew what he was talking about.
4AM Eastern standard time, Brock is dealing with joint compound drying so quickly that it is literally drying in the machine as he is putting it on the wall. He doesnt even have time to actually smooth out the texture on the walls before it dries.
5AM Eastern standard time, I am awoke to "Nik I need help!" I get up get my shower and proceed to help him scrape off the walls with the dried texture. As I type this Brock is sitting on our kitchen floor scraping out "THE MACHINE" from all of the dried joint compound.
His plan now is to return to the store when they open and proceed to tell them our Renovation Reality and pray that we are not out the $40 in rental cost just to pay another $40 in rental cost over something one of the employees informed us wrong about.
Renovations are CRAZY at it is. We try to trust people at the stores because they are suppose to be knowledgeable about the products they sale and or about the equipment they rent out. To be honest though, with this down economy, I think they hire anyone that desperately needs a job and will show up to work on time! I am thinking about applying in the electrical department (I have ZERO electrical experience) and tell customers whatever I want. Hey a little extra cash coming in never hurt anyone!

Youthful Golden Years

Since I contracted Meningococcal Meningitis, I have a lot of medical problems that stem from the damage caused by the disease. This kind of comes along with being a survivor.The past several years my body has decided to torture me by having random numbness of parts of my body. These "flare ups", as Brock and call them, can last anywhere from a few days to weeks. During these times whatever part is having the issue at the time hurt. Imagine that feeling you get when your foot goes numb and it feels like a 1000 needles being stuck into randomly happening for days constantly. That is what these flare ups do. I cant sleep during these period. I can go several days on a couple hours of sleep. This becomes mentally, and physically exhausting.
After 3 years of dealing with this, Brock and I start the search for answers. Orthopedic surgeons, three different ortho doctors, did several exrays, MRI, Cat and EMGs. Their conclusion was that it was a autoimmune issue and I needed to go to a rhuemtologist. The rhuemtologist ran lots of blood work, 7 VERY large vials of blood was drawn which made for a very wobbly on stilts anemic Nikki, which gave no answers. So the rhuemtologist sent me to a new neurologist. The neurologist did a contrast and non contrast MRI of my brain and MORE blood work. The neurologist came back with deterioration of my entire nervous system. He said that the disease attack my nervous system so severally, which we knew already, that the long term damage is now starting to show up. The exciting part was we FINALLY got an answer! The devastating part is that he said it will only get worse from this point.
OK we have answers! WHOO HOOO! I am not crazy and my body DOES hate me! I am 34 years old and my body acts like it is in its seventies at times. This brings a whole new twist to a relationship.
People get married with the plan to grow old together, sit on the front porch together, and help each other during the "Golden Years." I feel like I am mentally younger that 34, but my body feels way older than 34. So the giggles and luaghs between a man and woman still are there between Brock and I. Our youthful fun relationship is still there. But he has to help me be mobile very often. Holding my hand not just for a sweetness but so I dont fall. Helping me up and down stairs. He pulls me off the floor when I cant get up. He pulls me from a laying to sitting position in bed so I can get up in the mornings sometimes.
Last night we were sitting on the couch watching TV and we started tickling each other, this happens often. I started squirming away from him and end up on my knees on the floor and start yelling because I did something to my already hurt hip. He helps me pop my hip back and rubs on it to relieve some of the pain. We laugh and joke about these time because he says he should claim Lemon law on me. LOL But in all actuality we are to young to have a relationship that has to to deal with Golden years problems. Brock takes it all with strides. He says "I would rather spend the time God has gave me with you then to not have you at all." Sweet yes! I am lucky, I know! I just wish we could enjoy our youthful relationship NOW and our golden years later.

The surprice that might just drive us INSANE (more than we already are!)

Awhile back Brock called his Dad to wish him a happy birthday. After the very short and very awkward phone call, Brock seem frustrated and a little disappointed. Him and talked about the problems and strained relationship between his parents and himself. I see faults on both sides of it and including myself that caused the long time coming of the failure of their relationship.
You would think that 17.5 hours away from each other they would talk more. My mom and I have had a VERY strained relationship for about 12 years now, but she at least calls me once a month if not more. She lives in the same area as Brocks parents, so it is the same distance.
After a talk with his sister (which I always LOVE to listen in on because the things I complain about with Brock's communication skills his sister has too and he complains about her...they are one in the same! LOL) he was frustrated that this relationship is so broken. My heart breaking for him I started secretly call his parents. Keep in mind his parents do not like me at all. After two weeks of trying to contact them I finally get a answer. His Dad answers the phone and it takes me a couple of minutes to tell him who I was:
"Hey Ron this is Nikki"
"Nikki who?"
"Brock's Nikki"
"Brock?"
"Yes the woman that lives with your son"
"OH Nikki"
It is strange to have conversations start out like that. Considering in five years this is probably the fifth to seventh time I have ever talked to either of his parents on the phone, I thought we were already getting off to a bad start. I proceed to explain to Ron how hurt and frustrated Brock seem to be by their relationship.  Ron just agreed. Honestly what else could he do, I was telling the truth. Then I say I would love to be able to give Brock a opportunity to mend that relationship between him and his parents before something happens and he regrets it in the end.
Since I have been watching my Dad go down hill, I realize just how aggravated parents can be with their adult children. I personally think it is that they still see us as children and not adults. I see the stress my relationship with my Dad is getting by the day with his self destructiveness. I am watching my Dad SLOWLY very very SLOWLY kill himself. I have come to realize that I do not want Brock to hurt more or have regrets with his parents if something happens with them. I would like to see them attempt to mend this relationship. I would like God to work on all their hearts, including mine, to mend this parent child relationship.
As Ron is on the phone with me I feel the stress of what I was about to ask swell over me. UGH really I am about to do this to myself. I MUST be a gluten for punishment! I swallow my selfishness and think of how much happier Brock will be with his parents back in his life. I blurt it out, "I would like to invite you and Lavinia to come visit us for Brock's birthday." UGH stupid stupid stupid what are you thinking!!! Oh but that wasn't enough salt in the wound I proceed to carry on like a babbling monkey "I would like you to come stay at our house if you are comfortable with that. If not I will pay for yalls gas and/or the hotel" palm to forehead stupid stupid stupid. Ron I think just as shocked as I was that I was saying this. He stammered for a brief moment and said "Let me talk this over with Lavinia and I will get back to you, OK?" That moment I knew the queen bee of the family was NOT going to go for this idea, her son's birthday or not. I hung up think I would never hear back from either of them again.
Couple days went by,  Ron calls back! Haid that Lavinia and him had spoken and they had decided to come up for Brock's birthday and are requesting my help in finding a hotel. WOW the queen bee approved this. Approved MY idea! She is willing to TOLERATE me and our kids for a 3 day period of time. I am shocked! OH and they are asking for my help???? Hurry pinch harder obviously I am either dreaming or dead.
Several weeks go by and Ron secretly text me during the days and emails me so that Brock doesnt get suspicious. We get everything set up and I am SHOCKED that I had not ratted myself out to Brock. I cant a secret from that man even if I tried.
4 days till the arrival of his parents and I walk in the door to a police inquire. Brock asked quickly "When are they going to be here?" "Who?" I say hoping he wasnt talking about what I thought he was.
"My parents!"
"I have no clue what you are talking about!"
"Yes you do just fess up"
"I hope your parents arent coming!" I was starting to pull this stuff out of thin air!
"When Nikki?"
"Friday at 3" I hang my head in defeat!
Since then Brock has been in full remodel mode. His mother is a very critical person about everyone. No one can escape a Lavinia criticism. You can try to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge but a wrench will still fly at your forehead and leave you spinning in the aftermath of a Lavinia criticism! After weeks of Brock watching me stress over handling two households, watching my Dad die slowly, soccer, football, swim, Brocks school, and actually trying to somehow amongst the crazy take care of myself, he realized that I had taken on the stress of his parents walking into our house under construction. I saw the moment in Brocks face when he realized, that is why she has been a mad cleaning woman.
Starting Friday, I am heading into a weekend filled with me and my kids are the scum of the earth. I screwed everything up and am probably the reason for global warming somehow. I am not a good parent.
I do not know how to clean. I dont know how to decorate. I am wrong and always will be about everything in life. Oh and then listening to her down grade Brock as well. Brock is a good man, I didnt say perfect, neither am I. He takes great care of me and the kids. He is a wonderful soul that is human, much like me. Every time I have to hear her belittle Brock, it just crawls up my spine and it takes an act of God for me to bite my tongue. But this is the first babystep to rebuilding Brock's relationship with his parents. Oh yea I just worked Dave Ramsey into this blog!
Whatever religion you are, at this particular point in time we are going to honor any and all help from any and all religions the more the better, please pray for Brock, the kids and myself this weekend. We are going to need it!

Lost

I have been lost for awhile now. You dont tend to realize you are lost till it is to late. 4 years ago my life changed. Brock had searched me out after 12 years of being apart. We started a long distance relationship very slowly and cautiously on both of our parts. Then a predicted and plan move to Texas to be closer to my mom and the new blooming relationship I had with Brock got moved up 6 months to January of 2010. The move was draining on everyone to say the least.
After  a year in Texas my legs started paying the price for the heat and high humidity there. So with family issues arising in Indiana, a failing relationship with family in Texas, and my legs becoming a HUGE issue a decision was made. The decision was another move across country, you can ONLY imagine my excitement about another cross country move.
We arrived back in Indiana June of 2011. We we started rebuilding a family and a relationship from the hardships of a failing family relationship in Texas. Slowly started seeing the old me and our old famly.
Reality of the issues with family in Indiana started to hit me pretty hard. My Dad was going through his 3rd divorce and started turning to alcohol. Being the only child, I felt and still do feel completely responsible for me parents. Since my dad started having a break down and turnign more away from family and more towards a bottle I though I should start relieving some of his stress and take care what I could.
I helped him get his will changed and the soon to be ex wifes name off of it. Power of Attourney's for both financial and medical so if anything happens to him I can help him.
I also took over the divorce only talking to him about it when there was a answer I could not give the lawyer. I have never been in a divorce so this was all new for me. A year later I was finally divorced from my Dad's wife, I say I was because I handled EVERYTHING for that divorce. Dad only had to show up for the lawyer appointments that I set up and took him to and did 90% of the questions and talking to the lawyer and go to the medication. Even then he seemed to have just given, rolled over and gave her what she wanted.
Then the reality of the divorce hit for my Dad. I dont think my Dad can handle failure in life and actually cope with it. The drink became worse to say the least. I started handling his monthly bills, setting up Dr. appointments, taking him to his Dr appointments, making sure he paid the Dr. bills, and cleaning every once in awhile around his house.
I started realizing how blessed I really am that Dad's siblings started helping me. One of my Aunts started taking him to her house to try to get him to at least eat, Eating is a huge issue for him.I would take him after he was sober and cleaned up and he would stay with me for awhile. Then he would decided a week or so later he wanted to go back home. WE would take him and this whole process would start all over again.We have done this back and forth between my Aunt, me and his house since January  of this year, 2012.
He now doesnt want to stay with anyone and drinks heavier now than ever before. He has lost his personality, his soul to alcohol. After many failed attempts we are now at a point of just maintaining him. I go over to his house anywhere from once to four times a week and take care of his bills, laundry, take him food, do his grocery shopping and I have started the process of organizing out his files so I know where everything is if something ever happens to him. My OCD and anxiety takes over more than anything in high stress times. They literally control my entire thought process and life. So getting everything done before my Dad passes will help me have time to just focus on grieving than having to deal with everything else. This way it will be all done.
Amongst all this craziness I still have 2 kids, a man, a dog, a cat, and a house to maintain. I have a daughter that is in honors class, choir, travel soccer, swim team, dance team, referees on the weekends, and we are starting the getting ready for college process (again preparing NOW so it is not last min. and I can focus on her leaving and not focus on everything else around her that needs done) A son who has a learning problem, plays football, is on a swim team and wants to try wrestling. A man who works full time, assistant coaches Austins football team, helps out at church, goes to school several nights a week, and is a reserve Fire fighter at the present (till a position open for him to get hired on full time. Which we are praying real hard for), seem to be the go to person for all our friends for mechanical repairs. A dog that is very needed, clingy, and well a 3rd child. A house that is in constant remodeling. PLUS...taking care of our bills, my Dr appointments, the kids Dr. appointments, our grocery shopping, our household chores, and making sure any and all request that Brock or the kids need done while they are at work and school and cant get it done are dealt with.
Amongst handling two households I have lost myself. I started counseling to try to get some this mentally taken care of, and mainly calm my OCD that drives my family crazy. After my first appointemnt he wanted me to figure out something I can do for me. Brock and I sat down and he started throwing ideas out, again I so blessed to have him in my life. He thre out things such as getting my hair done, nail (only one LOL) or toes (on my prosthetic) done, goign to the movies alone, going out for a drink with friends, or just going shopping. Well I am a girl yes but have never really been the type to go get my hair done. I go MAYBE once a year. As got nails and prosthetic toes, I have Lauren who likes to do them and I think does a better job for FREE. I have never been the type to go to a movie alone and I hate shopping for myself. We are trying to do the Dave Ramsey program so spending money unnecessary money is just not logical to me. So we talked some more and the idea of actually starting to go full force on the house and making it more of a sanctuary for me was the way to do this. I can do little projects throughout the week to add to my long list of crazy already. Yesterday I worked on a wall we are making a picture focal point. Just painting and having a set project actually made me feel good. I look at that wall and think "This was for ME." Not the kids, Brock, dog, or Dad. It was 100% for me! Brock took the time to help me do something for ME! The simple things to find yourself when you are lost amongst family, children, and the world are the best thing. This silly little wall that now has wall texture, coloring and will soon have crown molding, trim and our family pictures on it just gave me a little bit of me back. When I walk by this wall several times a day, even though it is not done, I light up and have just a little bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. Just amazes me how simple that was! I am not completely found yet, but I think Brock and I have found a path to help us find the complete me again!

Debt Free is just a dream!

We are vigorously staying on the Dave Ramsey program and are desperately paying off the house and any bills that come in right away. It is funny when I look back and see our debt and where we are now, how foolish we were to even allow ourselves to be put in that position! I look forward to a day when we have zero debt. As I look forward to that day reality always seems to be just on the other side of that dream. Even though we can pay our debts off completely the looming realization that we will never be debt free always hangs over me. For me to be able to walk I will have to put us in debt every 3 years like clock work. $60,000+ doesnt just grow on trees!
Yes the insurance helps but leaves any where from 20% or more. That is if they do not fight us on it OR I do something stupid and have to get anther leg and the insurance denies it because they loo at it that I JUST got a new leg. I wish there was a way for the insurance companies to realize that when you have no legs and the prosthetist sends them a bill, most likely it is NOT for kicks and giggles.
People on the outside of our amputee world have a vision that insurance helps us, and we have no worries other than our health. WRONG! Not only do we have to worry about our health, this is mainly from a disease amputation (diabetes, septicemia, cancer ect), but also our prostheses that gives us the mobility we need to get around,  every inch or our residual limb, and the insurance companies that are constantly fighting us even though we pay them. These are just dealing with issues of our actual amputee life. Now through in bills, family, kids, school, work, and sports. Our lives both physically and mentally tend to a lot more draining.
Explaining this to people that are looking through the glass at our life can shake their heads yes in understanding but honestly they dont have the slightest idea. I would like it to be easier for those of us going through so much. I would like to look at our debt free future and KNOW that is how it will stay. In reality my prosthetics will never let us truly be debt free!

Looking into the past when we should only look into the future!

Today was...interesting to say the least. I am in the process of SLOWLY organizing out my Dad's life. His health is failing, self induced yes but failing none the less, and I am starting to get things in order so that when the time comes I can focus on him or grieving not everything else. This is when my OCD and type A personality come in handy. I find myself looking back of 18 years of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was very young. Like most children I lived a very typical divorced childhood of parents arguing, child support court dates, traveling for visitation to a out of state Dad, and the lavish like me more then the other parent gifts. But diving into the actual letters back and forth,and court documents give you a different view of your parents. This is the ugly side of a parent that not all of us want to see. We look at our parents as God's guidance through life. We were given to them to teach us the correct way to live in both society and in life. When you see the ugly side of our parents you tend to second guess your views and opinions of them. This was NOT a good feeling for me. After years of fighting my own battles in life and finding my own way with a new body, this flash back of my entire life and what I thought it was is now gone. What really hit home was when I saw the file marked 1995. I dont know why. I even told myself  "Dont look you are not going to like what you find." Yet I still pushed forward. 1995 was when my entire life changed. April 1995 I contracted Meningococcal Meningitis. Death bed, child support and court documents are defiantly not things that go together. Ok, I guess I should say in my world they are not. In my parents world they are. 30 days after I was admitted into the hospital are documents dated for child support adjustments. REALLY??? This is the time for parents to argue and go to court over child support?????? I wasn't even out of ICU then. Yep this was defiantly a eye opener for me! I wish I could go back this morning and unseen everything I found and read today. God has to have a reason for today. An awakening maybe? I dont know. I do know that it was the past, and today is the present, and tomorrow is a future me and my family can cherish. I do know that my eyes can not unsee what my parents did and this will give me different perspective on them and their past.

Valor Swiftwick Socks

Today is my first day to wear my Valor Swiftwick Socks. The package of socks arrived on Sat and WOW John Mabry really packed in the goodies for me. Brock wore his socks that John sent him yesterday and is already asking for me to get more pairs LOL CHRISTMAS IDEA!!!!! Ok back to talking about Valor. So I put them on and they felt so soft and good against the twins. Then I put on my liner...this is wear things felt odd LOL I am so use to having that cold slick silicone pressed against my skin that I instantly went into this "Something is wrong with the twins" mentality. This mentality will go away with time I know. I popped on my sockets on and WOW things felt so warm and comfortable. Still have a little bit of the weird feeling but I know that will die down after awhile. Now to do a little InSanity and see exactly what these Valor socks of made of!